When to be a Foul Weather Friend
Sunday, July 26th, 2009
I used to have a friend who was addicted to the drama in other peoples lives. I’m convinced she got-off on consoling and being the shoulder to cry on. As long as your life was a complete mess, she was there for you. If you’re life was happy-go-lucky, she was generally out of the picture. That’s one definition of a foul weather friend, but not the type that I’m going to talk about in this post. To be a good friend, hell, to be a good person, you need to be there for people in the foul weather times, whatever that means.
A good friend of mine recently lost a sibling. There’s such a sadness behind that statement that I know I can never full comprehend. For one, I’m an only child. While, I have friends in my life I consider as close as any sibling could ever be, I’ll never really understand that bond. Secondly, in my life, the people who have passed away, have been the older generation, while I miss them, I know that they lived their lives. To lose someone so young and so much a part of who you are, has to be one of the hardest things imaginable.
While all her friends rallied together, to try and figure out some way to shoulder some burden for her I realized I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to do. What do you say to someone in this situation? An “I’m so sorry” seems too trite in this situation. My friend, happens to be quite stoic, she’s not the kind of person to talk about how she feels all the time, and I certainly am not going to force her to deal with her grief in any way that feels unnatural to her.
Instead, I cook. In my family (and I’m pretty sure this is the same in many families), food means love. My grandfather who was a great cook, wasn’t big on exclamations of love, instead he’d make your favorite meal. That’s how my dad (his son-in-law) realized after many years, that he was finally accepted into the family-it only took many, many years of walking on eggshells and one grandchild. His means of conveying love, have been passed on to every generation since, and while saying things like “it will all be okay” doesn’t come naturally from me, cooking for people does.
I can’t say anything to make her sadness go away, instead I can help her in the ways that I know how. I can give her the funny details of life and friends awaiting, while she’s away with her family. And, I can make her trips back easier, by making sure she has a stocked fridge. The rest of her friends and I can coordinate to make sure there’s someone always around if she needs someone. I learned something from that friend of mine, the foul weather one, oh so many years ago, you shouldn’t force your way into other peoples hardships. What we can do, is make ourselves available if we’re needed, and be there, without expectation, when that call comes.