As I sat eating my carefully designed salad at Whole Foods today I couldn’t help but eavesdrop on the conversations around me.  They were free for the hearing.

I was surprised and saddened by the similarities of these conversations (three of them), while none of these articulating duos probably knew each other their conversations were almost identical in theme: they were all speaking pejoratively about some absent third party.

As far as I know all three of these anonymous parties were horrid people or just dopey folks incapable living their own lives with any savoir faire.  I don’t think that’s the case though, I think that for some reason our first instinct when sitting down for a chat is to talk about other people.

I’m no saint, I’ve certainly talked my fair share of shit in my day, but I guess hearing it so overwhelmingly present in the air around me made think there’s something really sad about that.  I think I found another New Year’s Resolution, think before I speak about other people.

I’m going to go ahead and say that Plato was really on to something when he said:

“Be kind for everyone you meet is fighting a great battle”

Judging others is as ingrained in us as judging ourselves, but as a culture methinks we’re all judging everyone a little too much…including ourselves.  It’s important to remember that we’re all just human, fallible, funny, humans.  We ain’t perfect and neither are our friends and frenemies.

This month, however, I was pleasantly surprised with the relationship section of Women’s Health magazine, was not about romantic interludes, but instead about friendships.  The author, Leslie Goldman, talks about mourning the friendship of her college besty.

It really is amazing how life changes after dorm life. Especially when it comes to friending.  No longer are your friends a mere whiteboard message away.  Once grown-up life begins, it can be truly difficult to sustain those relationships you thought would last forever.  In Goldman’s case, she courted her friend post graduation, but her friend, always on the flakey side, seemed to grow even flakier when the real world came crashing in.

I’ve been feeling the same way about my college friends lately.  Although, I don’t see any of us as the party to blame, I think our lives took different turns.  For starters, I went to school in Boston, while many of my close college friends stayed in New England, I moved home to New York City.  While, they’re not exactly continents away, the distance is enough to make for an out-of-sight-out-of-mind style friendship.

I was really inspired by this article (especially the timing of it), when my college friend and roommate’s mother found me on facebook and asked that I come to Maine for her daughters baby shower in October.  This friend of mine has quite possibly the exact opposite of my life, she eloped our senior year,  moved to rural Maine upon graduating, and within a year was pregnant with her first son.  We’ve emailed back and forth, less than we should probably, but it often feels like we’ve got nothing but the past to keep us intertwined.  She’s pregnant with her second son now, and well, I miss her.  I know we’ll never stay up talking about our dreams and boy troubles again (after all, her married life boy troubles are very different than my single girl boy troubles), but I loved her as a person then, and while our circumstances have changed, that person is worth flying to Maine for a baby shower for.

The ending of Goldman’s story is a good one, she and her college BFF did finally get back together.  It seems that when her college friend became a mother, she also became more respectful of commitments and other peoples time.

If she can have a happy reunion, hopefully, so can I.  I’ll keep you posted on my re-friending adventure when I go to Maine next month.

A good friend of mine recently lost a sibling.  There’s such a sadness behind that statement that I know I can never full comprehend.  For one, I’m an only child.  While, I have friends in my life I consider as close as any sibling could ever be, I’ll never really understand that bond.  Secondly, in my life, the people who have passed away, have been the older generation, while I miss them, I know that they lived their lives.  To lose someone so young and so much a part of who you are, has to be one of the hardest things imaginable.

While all her friends rallied together, to try and figure out some way to shoulder some burden for her I realized I wasn’t the only one who didn’t know what to do.  What do you say to someone  in this situation?  An “I’m so sorry” seems too trite in this situation.  My friend, happens to be quite stoic, she’s not the kind of person to talk about how she feels all the time, and I certainly am not going to force her to deal with her grief in any way that feels unnatural to her.

Instead, I cook.  In my family (and I’m pretty sure this is the same in many families), food means love.  My grandfather who was a great cook, wasn’t big on exclamations of love, instead he’d make your favorite meal.  That’s how my dad (his son-in-law) realized after many years, that he was finally accepted into the family-it only took many, many years of walking on eggshells and one grandchild. His means of conveying love, have been passed on to every generation since, and while saying things like “it will all be okay” doesn’t come naturally from me, cooking for people does.

I can’t say anything to make her sadness go away, instead I can help her in the ways that I know how.  I can give her the funny details of life and friends awaiting, while she’s away with her family. And, I can make her trips back easier, by making sure she has a stocked fridge.  The rest of her friends and I can coordinate to make sure there’s someone always around if she needs someone.  I learned something from that friend of mine, the foul weather one, oh so many years ago, you shouldn’t force your way into other peoples hardships.  What  we can do, is make ourselves available if we’re needed, and be there, without expectation,  when that call comes.